Stiles Stilinski (
voluntaryapnea) wrote2014-06-15 05:05 pm
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06. No One Ever Tells You That Forever Feels Like Home -- Sitting All Alone Inside Your Head.
[Okay then. So that happened. He's gained memories that definitely aren't his, and he knows about things that he definitely shouldn't know about -- in detail; things he doesn't really want to know about. What makes it worse is that he's pretty sure that most of them are Bucky's. That the things he remembers but didn't live through -- are things Bucky actually did live through and wow is that not okay. He hopes he's wrong. That maybe some of it was Bucky was obvious, but how much he's not too clear on.
He's also pretty sure that Bucky got his memories, or at least some of them, and that's upsetting, too. He hasn't talked to Scott about it even though Scott had thought he was Captain America and the actual Captain America had thought he was a werewolf and really. None of this should even surprise him at this point. But it definitely gives him a headache. And there really just isn't enough Adderall in all of space and time for him to try and figure this all out on his own, but he's pretty sure if he doesn't figure out some of it at least, he'll end up driving himself crazy. And. Been there done that, really. He's pretty sure the universe still owes him a damn t-shirt for it, actually and maybe he'll just drop that request in with the admiral. Because his one other contact with the admiral had gone so well.
But it's all left him open to yet another sleepless night so he wanders the barge as he's taken to doing lately when insomnia hits.
He wanders the halls, to the library, to the top deck, trying to stop thinking about the latest flood for the time being.]
[Private Video -- Bucky]
[He's actually not sure where to start here because it seems kind of tactless to talk about someone being tortured for days -- and he knows that part happened because he remembers it from seeing the movie and that just adds a whole new level of gravity and horror to the situation. Because seriously if he'd had any idea back then that Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes were real people in any universe, he never would have watched to begin with.]
Hey, man. How's it going?
[Because a nonchalant, semi-casual conversation starter seems to be the way to go with this.]
[Private Video -- Scott]
So I don't know about you, but I feel...really weird about this whole...swapping lives sort of thing that happened.
[And yeah, he's going to do his best to ignore that whole 'it's Father's Day' thing going around. Because he misses his dad a lot. It does dawn on him that Scott might be having a rough day with it, though because Scott's dad is pretty much, in Stiles' opinion anyway, one of the douchiest douches that ever walked the earth they came from.]
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And some other stuff, too.
So he's not necessarily surprised by the contact, but he's pretty sure this is going to head into territory he's sort of not thrilled at the prospect of discussing.]
Not bad. [Which isn't explicitly true. Bucky's not in as bad shape as Stiles is, but it's still just as hard to fully relax and get to sleep as it's ever been. They've probably been narrowly missing each other in their midnight roamings.]
You?
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He says it sometimes because it makes it easier for other people to think he doesn't care.]
Not too weird? Because I'm thinking it was...pretty weird. Like epic levels of weirdness. [He's quiet for a moment as he considers the answer to Bucky's question. He finally shrugs.]
I'm...okay.
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It was pretty weird, yeah. [That's definitely easy enough to agree to.] I didn't realize Scott used to have asthma. [Or was raised by a single mom who did her best to give him everything he needed while spending way too much time working at a hospital.
Unless that was just Sarah Rogers bleeding over into their weird little alternate universe. It's not like Scott's ever told him about his mom.
And, well, he could maybe leave it at that, but.]
You don't sound that convinced.
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The agreement on weirdness is a good starting place. He nods at the comment about Scott having asthma. The way their lives are kind of paralleled in some ways is downright spooky, really.] Yeah, it was pretty bad until he was all...werewolfy. Of course that brought on a whole new set of problems, which...you've probably realized. [Yep. That's pretty much Scott's young life down a to a tee, really.
He wishes he could leave it at that. He doesn't want to pry into Bucky's life. Into things Bucky probably doesn't want to talk about. But he's Stiles. And he likes Bucky, considers him a friend.]
It's a lot, I guess? All the new stuff with...all the old stuff.
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Fortunately, while Bucky's not really cutting directly to the chase, he does find himself sort of just... coming out with what this flood actually probably meant for Stiles.]
I'm sorry you had to see all that.
[And he doesn't mean the torture - he's not even sure if that's something that he would have seen. He already knows there're apparently other Bucky Barneses out there, including one who had apparently gotten killed when he was sixteen. Maybe he never got nabbed by HYDRA in the first place, maybe he never was tortured. Maybe he avoided all that.
But he knows Stiles remembers fighting, and that means remembering what it's like to see friends die in awful, awful ways and to know you've killed people, too in a personal way some regular soldiers don't. Bucky's seen enough teenagers scarred for life by the stuff they've seen out there, and even if this isn't something he chose to do, he still feels kind of responsible for Stiles needing to live with memories of that, now.]
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Man, you literally have nothing to apologize for here. I mean none of that whole flood was anyone's fault.
[He shrugs. It isn't blame he's looking for here. Truthfully he's not entirely sure what he is looking for. Maybe a way to let Bucky know he's not alone? Maybe to figure out how much of Stiles' life Bucky's experienced? God he hopes he doesn't have memories about the nogitsune. The guy literally needs that about as much as he needs another Hydra torture session.]
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It's still not something you should have to live with. [It's not stuff anyone should have to live with, really, but he did so he's dealing with it. And maybe his methods of dealing with it aren't the best, but it's working for him.] Kinda seems like you've got enough on your plate as it is. [And hey, actually:] And you'd better not be knocking yourself around about it.
[You know. About whatever you saw.] It's not your fault, either.
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[Spam]
Yeah, he might have voices in his head from the last flood, but fuck it: He is going to open this door and steal the things inside it until his brain feels better]
[Spam]
Lose your key? [His voice is wry.]
[Spam]
Piss off, yeah? Mind your own fuckin' business.
[Spam]
Yeah, sorry, I can't. [He shrugs. Maybe it's because his dad's the sheriff or his best friend's a werewolf superhero or because he's trying to do this whole better person thing.]
Mason, right?
[Spam]
[Mason has yet to understand he's been found out, and gives a satisfied noise in the back of his throat as the door audibly clicks. Gently, he pushes it open]
We've got a winner.
[Spam]
[Mostly he just wants to actually catch Mason's attention. He has no idea what his plans are. He sincerely hopes he's not plotting murder. But if he is...]
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[Private Video]
[Scott is always torn, today. He always tells himself he doesn't care, and sometimes, he doesn't. Sometimes the day passes and he doesn't even notice it. He thought that here, of all places, where he can be Captain America for three days, it would pass him by.
He's trying not to be homesick. He's trying not to remember the fights his parents would get into over his inhalers. He's trying not to remember the night his dad left and the few e-mails and birthday cards he's gotten since. His dad is definitely the douchiest douche to ever walk the earth, Scott wouldn't disagree there - but he's still Scott's dad..
It's better to focus on the issue, to just keep moving, because if he stops everything else will catch up with him.]
I have no idea what to say to Steve. Do you think all that really happened to them?
[His stomach pinches as he realizes, after Stiles as per usual, that there's another side to this.] Do you think they remembered the stuff we did?
[Private Video]
He wavers about whether to ask him, whether to acknowledge it, because he feels like an ass if he doesn't, but he's not sure it won't just make everything feel that much worse and that's the last thing he wants to do.
He exhales at Scott's comment about not knowing what to say to Steve because yeah. Yeah.]
Yeah it's...definitely complicated things. I think a lot of it did, yeah. It fits with what I remember from the movie.
[He can tell the moment the rest dawns on Scott and he tries to smile but doesn't quite manage it.]
Kinda...fits pattern. We remember their lives, I'm sure they remember stuff from ours, too.
[Private Video]
This sucks. Maybe we should just - sit down and talk with them or something. Or - I dunno, maybe that's even worse. I don't think I wan to to know the details of what was real and what wasn't. And - I don't think I want them to know everything, either.
[The nogitsune, Allison, there's so much that would just - if nothing else, it would be uncomfortable. And that's best case scenario.
He's still not sure how to talk about it, or what is safe to talk about. So he reaches for something else, and even if his dad is the douchiest father ever, the Sheriff definitely isn't.]
Hey, I've got an idea. Wanna meet me in the art room?
[Private Video]
I'm gonna at least talk to Bucky. [Because where Scott doesn't necessarily want to know, Stiles needs to know. Especially because he likes Bucky, respects him, and he needs to know how bad the memories Bucky's gotten from him are. He hopes like hell there's nothing about being possessed, because no one should have to suffer those memories aside from him and the thought that that might be the case is so very unnerving.] I just kinda...need to. [He diverts his gaze momentarily and then blinks at the question.]
Uh, sure? Are you taking up a new hobby or something? [His voice is lighter now, joking.]
[Private Video]
No. I mean, sorta, but you are too. I'll show you when we get there.
[He kills the feed, slowing his pace so that he might run into Stiles on the way.]
[Private Video]
Okay, but if I draw you a picture, it's hanging up on your cabin door, buddy.
[He kills the feed on his end, too and heads out of the room and up the stairs.]
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Cliche for a reason, apparently.
But as she's finally making her way out and down to her room, she doesn't expect to see a familiar face looking more than a little haunted coming her way. She hasn't spoken to him since she wasn't herself, and she's not even sure what happened to him this time around. She just knows he wasn't himself, either.]
Stiles? Hey.
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Sleeping leaves him too vulnerable.
His tunnel vision at the moment is so strong that he almost walks right past her until he hears her say his name and he pauses in his tracks, blinking a couple times.]
Hey. You're up late.
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[And partially, she just wanted the distraction as well.
But one closer look at Stiles worries her, he looks terrible. And while he doesn't look as bad as he did when she last saw him back home, it's still not good to see him like this at all.
She takes a step forward and watches him closely.]
Are you okay?
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He shifts slightly at the way she studies him, and he hates the worried look in her eyes. He gets it though. He knows he needs to start trying to sleep more than he has been even if the nightmares are terrible. He thinks if he just has some surefire way to keep himself from sleeping for too long maybe he can avoid dreaming all together. He's tried it with his alarm and it worked the first few days. Then he started sleeping through the noise.
But he doesn't want to worry her anymore than she already is, so he nods again and manages a faint smile.]
Yeah, just came to try and find something interesting to read.
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So she gives him a look and keeps her eyes on his face. If she looked worried before, it's gotten worse now.]
Wanna try that again with the truth this time?
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Lydia, I'm fine. Seriously. I really was coming to try and find something to read. [He shrugs.]
It's nothing to worry about, okay? I just miss the internet. And Wikipedia.
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