voluntaryapnea | 06. No One Ever Tells You That Forever Feels Like Home -- Sitting All Alone Inside Your Head.

[Okay then. So that happened. He's gained memories that definitely aren't his, and he knows about things that he definitely shouldn't know about -- in detail; things he doesn't really want to know about. What makes it worse is that he's pretty sure that most of them are Bucky's. That the things he remembers but didn't live through -- are things Bucky actually did live through and wow is that not okay. He hopes he's wrong. That maybe some of it was Bucky was obvious, but how much he's not too clear on.

He's also pretty sure that Bucky got his memories, or at least some of them, and that's upsetting, too. He hasn't talked to Scott about it even though Scott had thought he was Captain America and the actual Captain America had thought he was a werewolf and really. None of this should even surprise him at this point. But it definitely gives him a headache. And there really just isn't enough Adderall in all of space and time for him to try and figure this all out on his own, but he's pretty sure if he doesn't figure out some of it at least, he'll end up driving himself crazy. And. Been there done that, really. He's pretty sure the universe still owes him a damn t-shirt for it, actually and maybe he'll just drop that request in with the admiral. Because his one other contact with the admiral had gone so well.

But it's all left him open to yet another sleepless night so he wanders the barge as he's taken to doing lately when insomnia hits.

He wanders the halls, to the library, to the top deck, trying to stop thinking about the latest flood for the time being.]

[Private Video -- Bucky]

[He's actually not sure where to start here because it seems kind of tactless to talk about someone being tortured for days -- and he knows that part happened because he remembers it from seeing the movie and that just adds a whole new level of gravity and horror to the situation. Because seriously if he'd had any idea back then that Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes were real people in any universe, he never would have watched to begin with.]

Hey, man. How's it going?

[Because a nonchalant, semi-casual conversation starter seems to be the way to go with this.]

[Private Video -- Scott]

So I don't know about you, but I feel...really weird about this whole...swapping lives sort of thing that happened.

[And yeah, he's going to do his best to ignore that whole 'it's Father's Day' thing going around. Because he misses his dad a lot. It does dawn on him that Scott might be having a rough day with it, though because Scott's dad is pretty much, in Stiles' opinion anyway, one of the douchiest douches that ever walked the earth they came from.]

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[He thinks Steve is pretty lucky to have Bucky watching his back, too. Really, he thinks they're all pretty lucky in the way that Stiles has Scott and Scott has Stiles and Bucky and Steve have each other, too. It definitely beats trying to go through life on your own.

But he also knows that for awhile it had literally just been Bucky and Steve. They'd been orphaned at twelve, and while Stiles had lost his mom and Scott's dad had left, Stiles still had his dad and Scott still had his mom, and they had each other's parents, as well.]

Yeah, I'm sure it does. [He knows it's a joke, but it's the kind of joke that's based in truth and that's something he recognizes because those tend to be the jokes he tells. He pauses for a moment, considering. It's a lot. The memories. But he also knows he didn't actually live through the things that he remembers. Bucky, on the other hand...]

I'm not gonna push or anything but uh -- if you wanna talk about any of it, I'm a pretty decent listener, man. Just putting that out there.

[That had been nice, honestly. Bucky misses his dad, obviously, but he hadn't really realized how much that was still true until getting memories of having him around - a different him, sure, but still enough of the George Barnes he remembers to make him more aware of that loss than he's been in a long time.

And then Stiles says that, and his expression muddles into something that's somewhere between a smile and a grimace because he knows what Stiles is talking about.]

It's fine. I don't remember a lot of it. [The words feel hollow even to him, and he knows Stiles won't buy it for a hot second. He might be missing time, sure, but not enough to forget what happened in that factory, and if Stiles got the memories he does have, well. He'll know how much bullshit that is.]

Steve got me out, that's what matters.

[But that feels like a bullshit way to leave things, even if it's true, so.]

But if you want to talk, believe me, I get how fucked up it was.

[And it's made Stiles hyper-aware of how much he misses his dad, too. And Scott's mom, actually.

He watches as Bucky's expression shifts into something less open, and he gets it. There's stuff he's not ready or willing to discuss, too, but at least he put the offer out there. It's the least he can do, really.

And he definitely knows it's bullshit, because Stiles is nothing if not perceptive, and he has those memories and okay he's not sure they're 100% accurate to what Bucky went through exactly, but he figures they're pretty close to it if not spot on.]

I'm okay. [And he is, really. It's not pleasant -- how can memories of torture be pleasant? -- but at least now it's clarified that the stuff he remembers are Bucky's memories, and he didn't hallucinate all of it or something.

It does all feel extra heavy right now, because he's watching Bucky try to deal with the fact that he knows things about his life that his best friend doesn't even know and yeah, that's sucky. He tilts his head to the side, deciding on a course of action. Hopefully.]

Wanna see if the CES is open? We could get in some lacrosse practice. [Because throwing their energy into that right now sounds pretty good to Stiles.]

[It does. It really, really does, because doing this sort of thing is how Bucky's coped with just about every challenge life's thrown at him.

He doesn't deal with things, not really. He fixes them, or finds a way to just accept what happened and keep moving, because if he let himself lie down in the dirt feeling like shit, Steve would've died from some stupid asthma attack, or they both would've been out on the streets, or the guys in his squad would've gotten killed, or he'd have been sent home and had to read about Steve crashing a goddamn plane into the Arctic in the papers.

Of course, his version of accepting it and actually accepting whatever life has to trow at him is different, and he's got festering wounds that might not ever get better, but it's easier to give Stiles a genuine grin at the offer.

He's fine. They're both fine. Why wouldn't they be?]

Sure. I guess I actually kinda understand the rules, now.

[Truthfully Stiles has had moments where things have been so bad, so overwhelming, that he's wanted to lie down in the dirt and just quit. He talked about it once with Morrell -- and her advice had been to just keep going. He's taken that advice to heart and held fast to it even when it's not easy.

Why wouldn't they both be fine, indeed.]

Awesome. See you down there?

You bet.

[And he will be headed right up there, kind of ridiculously pleased that something marginally useful has come from his most recent flood experience. Hopefully he still remembers how to play.]

06. No One Ever Tells You That Forever Feels Like Home -- Sitting All Alone Inside Your Head.

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