voluntaryapnea | 06. No One Ever Tells You That Forever Feels Like Home -- Sitting All Alone Inside Your Head.

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06. No One Ever Tells You That Forever Feels Like Home -- Sitting All Alone Inside Your Head.

[Okay then. So that happened. He's gained memories that definitely aren't his, and he knows about things that he definitely shouldn't know about -- in detail; things he doesn't really want to know about. What makes it worse is that he's pretty sure that most of them are Bucky's. That the things he remembers but didn't live through -- are things Bucky actually did live through and wow is that not okay. He hopes he's wrong. That maybe some of it was Bucky was obvious, but how much he's not too clear on.

He's also pretty sure that Bucky got his memories, or at least some of them, and that's upsetting, too. He hasn't talked to Scott about it even though Scott had thought he was Captain America and the actual Captain America had thought he was a werewolf and really. None of this should even surprise him at this point. But it definitely gives him a headache. And there really just isn't enough Adderall in all of space and time for him to try and figure this all out on his own, but he's pretty sure if he doesn't figure out some of it at least, he'll end up driving himself crazy. And. Been there done that, really. He's pretty sure the universe still owes him a damn t-shirt for it, actually and maybe he'll just drop that request in with the admiral. Because his one other contact with the admiral had gone so well.

But it's all left him open to yet another sleepless night so he wanders the barge as he's taken to doing lately when insomnia hits.

He wanders the halls, to the library, to the top deck, trying to stop thinking about the latest flood for the time being.]

[Private Video -- Bucky]

[He's actually not sure where to start here because it seems kind of tactless to talk about someone being tortured for days -- and he knows that part happened because he remembers it from seeing the movie and that just adds a whole new level of gravity and horror to the situation. Because seriously if he'd had any idea back then that Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes were real people in any universe, he never would have watched to begin with.]

Hey, man. How's it going?

[Because a nonchalant, semi-casual conversation starter seems to be the way to go with this.]

[Private Video -- Scott]

So I don't know about you, but I feel...really weird about this whole...swapping lives sort of thing that happened.

[And yeah, he's going to do his best to ignore that whole 'it's Father's Day' thing going around. Because he misses his dad a lot. It does dawn on him that Scott might be having a rough day with it, though because Scott's dad is pretty much, in Stiles' opinion anyway, one of the douchiest douches that ever walked the earth they came from.]

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[She's still not buying it, but she knows asking directly won't work apparently. No, she'll have to dig for it. And that will be a lot longer than a few minutes outside the library.

So she reaches for his hand and pulls him back inside.]

I'll help you find something. What are you in the mood for?

[He glances down at their hands as she tugs him into the library. Sometimes he remembers what things had been like before Lydia even knew who he was, and it's strange considering how far they've come. He curls his fingers around hers.]

Maybe a mystery?

Sherlock Holmes type or something with more supernatural?

[She does her best not to think about the way she treated him before. It really upsets her if she does. Because she was just being her old self and Stiles deserves so much better.

Lydia links her fingers with his as she pulls him down an aisle.]

I used to be addicted to Nancy Drew when I was little.

No supernatural would be great actually. [He's had his fill for awhile. Possibly forever, even if that'll last about twenty-four hours tops.

He lets her pull him down the aisle, smiling a little at her admission and nodding.]

Yeah, I know. I sorta -- remember seeing you read 'em at recess a lot. And during lunch sometimes.

[Statements like that shouldn't surprise her anymore, really, but they still do and she still doesn't really have any idea how to respond to them.

Oddly enough, it's a type of attention Lydia isn't used to. Yes, she gets plenty of attention overall, it's what she works hard for. Everyone knows she's hot, guys always follow her around. Her parents are used to her fits. Every guy she's ever dated paid attention to her because she was constantly getting their attention with her body one way or another.

But it's never been like this, no one ever really paid that much attention to the her underneath everything she was showing them like Stiles does. And has been doing since they were little, apparently.

She smiles softly back at him and squeezes his hand back before looking away.]

Have you ever read them?

[Stiles was diagnosed with ADD at a young age. His teachers liked him well enough in grade school before he got to be too much of a handful, but truthfully, Stiles had always been a handful. He was easily distracted unless he was on his meds, and he was fairly anti-social growing up. There were exactly two people at school that Stiles had given a crap about: Scott, and Lydia. The latter hadn't known him, really, but shortly after his mom died, he'd started paying more attention to the pretty strawberry-blonde in his class. He'd noticed a lot of things about her over the years.

The words puppy love were pretty applicable back then. It had been a harmless crush on his part. It had grown over the years and then he'd gotten to know her. Really know her. It wasn't a crush anymore. It hadn't been a crush for a long time. Not really.

He loves her, plain and simple. He's pretty sure he always will in some form or another. It's similar to the way he feels about Scott in some ways: he feels fiercely protective of her, would do anything for her -- would die for her without a second thought.]

I read a few of them when I was younger, but I was sorta more into Fear Street back then.

[While Lydia has had plenty of relationships in the past, has dated several guys, and has slept with a lot more, she's only been in love once. And it'd been far from a fairtytale, not that Lydia believes in those. Jackson broke her heart. And their relationship had never been ideal. It was turbulent, they were always hurting each other -- most of the time on purpose -- and while they truly cared about one another, they really didn't know how to deal with it. They did more harm than good when they were together.

She loves Stiles, too, but it's different. She's not as afraid of showing him she cares about him like she was with Jackson. She doesn't feel the need to shut him out and keep him at arm's length like she did with Aiden. It's something a lot more genuine. And while she doesn't think about it, doesn't really analyze what it means, she knows she's comfortable with keeping him close and admitting to him she feels better when he's around.

It might have to do with the tether, it might make their connection stronger, like they've discussed. But it might just be the fact that she trusts him completely and she just knows he wouldn't hurt her. Not on purpose. Just like Allison and Scott wouldn't.]

I've never read those. I don't usually go for fiction so much, save a few exceptions, obviously.

[Stiles, on the other hand, has never actually been in a dating kind of relationship. He's only ever slept with one person, and that's something he tries hard not to think about for a myriad of reasons. Not so long ago, that all seemed like such a huge deal. That he was a junior in high school, a seventeen year old guy, who'd never been on an actual date before in his entire life when most of his peers had been on numerous dates. Now though, it just didn't seem to be that important of an issue.

Now there were more important things for him to think about, to focus on, to worry about. Dating just wasn't Stiles' thing and that was okay. It isn't like he's going to live long enough for a relationship to actually turn into anything more anyway.

Stiles wouldn't intentionally hurt most people unless he has to. He's caused enough pain and suffering for multiple lifetimes, and he's attempting to balance that out by trying to be a better person in general even if it never fully balances the scales. He wants to be the kind of person that his parents would be proud of. Someone who makes a difference, like Scott and Lydia. Like Allison. It's why he's been making more of an effort on the Barge to be more helpful than he's ever really been back home -- even with people he doesn't know. He knows he won't ever hold a candle to being good in the way that Scott is good. He just isn't that guy. He'll never be that guy.]

Yeah, well. Most of them were kinda...supernatural and spooky. [Which is the exact opposite of what he wants right now. His mind is haunted enough as it is.]

If I can't find a decent mystery maybe there's an autobiography or something. [Something to put him to sleep with very boring thoughts that won't make his dreams turn into nightmares.]

Edited 2014-06-20 16:34 (UTC)

[Her family has never been great at taking care of each other, at leaning on each other. Sure, everyone else thinks they are perfect and that's the image they are expected to present, but they are far from it. Even before the divorce, her parents argued constantly, they competed in everything, they were always trying to one up the other. A lot like she was with Jackson, actually.

Which is a big reason why she's always had guys. Sure, she had friends before but not real friends. Just people who knew being around her would make them look good. And she was okay with that.

Not anymore.

Now she has the pack and she feels like she's completely accepted by all of them. Much more than she is with her family. And she wants to deserve being a part of the pack. Which is why she tries so hard to be good at being a banshee, to helping them help people, to do good. To make a difference. Lydia has never been someone to half-ass things and this is no different. She just wishes there were books she could read to learn about how to be better at protecting the pack and the people they need to help.]

I could recommend you some if you can't find anything else, [She smiles softly at him, turning to look at him again.]

Have you been sleeping okay? [She asks this in a completely light and slightly curious. She figures he'll see right through it but she will still pretend, for his sake. She doesn't want him to feel like he's being interrogated.]

[Stiles knows the definition of happy family. Before his mom got sick and then died, Stiles remembers how happy they all were. He remembers the way his parents looked at each other. Remembers how loved he'd felt when he was with them. It all came crashing down when Claudia Stilinski began suffering from frontotemporal dementia. Not all at once. Things had broken apart slowly, and then more quickly over time. By the time she'd passed, Claudia hadn't known who her husband was, and she hadn't known who Stiles was either.

But Stiles had been lucky in another way because even when his dad drowned himself in a bottle of Jack Daniels for months after Claudia died, Stiles had still had the McCall's. And granted, he'd never liked Rafael for more reasons than one, but Melissa and Scott had always been there for him anytime he needed them, day or night. He grew up with the knowledge that family didn't always start and end in blood. Scott was every bit his brother even though they shared no blood, and Melissa McCall was like a second mom to Stiles.

His family's extended a bit more now to include Lydia, at the very least. He cares for the others back home even if he doesn't always like them. But he's not sure he's ready to include them in the category of family, yet, either. He's not sure it'll ever be the same for him as it is for Scott and even Lydia that way.]

I wouldn't turn down a suggestion. [He smiles a bit but his gaze darts away at her question about sleep. It's asked lightly and curiously, and she obviously knows the answer without him really having to tell her that no, he isn't sleeping okay. Truthfully, he kind of doubts he'll ever sleep okay again and he figures that's how it should be when you've basically decimated an entire town and ruined multiple people's lives.]

So-so. How about you? Anymore nightmares? [He glances at her sideways, worry in his eyes.]

[A part of her is jealous of the relationships her friends have with their families. No, not jealous. Jealous would mean she wants to take it from them and keep it to herself. Envy is probably a better word. She wishes she could have it too, but she knows it won't happen in her family. So instead, she wants to be accepted in theirs.

She sees how the Sheriff and Ms. McCall and yes, Mr. Argent care about their children and she wants some of that, too. Maybe not from them, they really have no reason to care about her, but from the pack, at least. But she also wants the parents to at least like her. To see her as a good part of their children's lives, because she respects them for who they are for their children.

Which is why she was so upset when she failed the Sheriff. Of course partially was because she was worried about Stiles, but her own dad already saw her as a failure, as a weak girl who had melt down and couldn't handle school. Both of which she only did to get his attention.

But she's learning how to stop pretending. It's still a long process, though. And there will probably always be situations where she will have to keep up pretenses. But that's just a basic human instinct to protect yourself.

Like Stiles is doing now.

She leads him toward the autobiographies section on the next floor up, hand still around his.]

Occasionally. [Every night when she's alone. Although she doesn't always wake up screaming.]

Why don't we grab some books and go back to my room? You can stay with me, if you want.

[Stiles is pretty sure that his dad likes Lydia. He knows how Stiles has felt about her since the third grade, knows that he's never really expressed interest in any other girls. Dad doesn't know about Malia. He grimaces at the thought and pushes it away, because that's not something he's ready to think about or deal with yet.

Melissa McCall's contact with Lydia has been pretty limited as far as he's aware, but he can't really imagine her not liking Lydia. And Chris Argent --. He has a hard time thinking about him, too. Most of his thoughts tend to wind up in the same place these days. Back to Allison.

It isn't that he wants to put up walls or pretenses when it comes to Scott and Lydia. It's that he has to. He's put them through so damn much already. He has to try and power through the best that he can for both of their sakes because he doesn't know what else to do. His desire to protect the two of them knows no bounds, really, even when that's from him. And after recent events, he sees it as absolutely necessary to protect them from him as much as possible. As it turns out, he kind of sucks at it.]

You sure? [His voice is hesitant. He feels like he's taking up a lot of her time these days even if in reality it's been a few days since he saw her in person last.]

[She knows his question isn't meant to upset her. But it still does. She's not upset with him so much as with the situation. She knows Stiles focuses on other people much more than he does on himself, he worries more about other people than he does about himself. It's something they all do. It's something else Lydia pretended not to do, especially with Jackson, but she's done it for as long as she remembers.

What upsets her, though is the fact that he still can't seem to allow himself to lean on her when he needs it. She wouldn't hesitate on asking him to stay over at his room with him if she was having a harder time than usual sleeping. Maybe she's still more self-centered than Stiles is. Maybe he feels like he needs to suffer for everything that thing made him to.

Whatever his reason may be, she wishes he'd listen to her. And believe her.]

I'm sure.

[She stops walking and turns to face him, tugging on his hand to make him look at her.]

Stiles, you know that if you're having problems sleeping, you can stay over at anytime, right? Or ask me to stay with you. [She knows he doesn't know it. Or at least, he doesn't truly believe it, but she wants him to.]

I've told you, it helps me too.

[It definitely isn't meant to upset her. He probably should have realized it might, though. It isn't that he doubts her or her sincerity. It's not about that. It's never been about that.

It's that he doesn't deserve to not have nightmares. He doesn't deserve to have peaceful nights. Not when there are so many people who've died when it should have just been him. Not when it was people like Allison Argent instead. His chest feels tight and he rubs a hand over his face, nodding at her words. Because he does know -- she's made the offer before.

And he doesn't understand how it can possibly help her to have her best friend's executioner sleep in the same bed with her. It literally makes no sense at all in his mind. But he knows she's sincere.]

Yeah. I know. So we'll just find some books and head to your room then.

[She could never think of him as someone who hurt Allison. She doesn't, it's not a connection she makes. Even when she spent a whole day locked up with that thing at Oak Creek, she never for one second saw Stiles. It was all about the way he looked at her. There hadn't been anything remotely like it there.

While his agreement isn't nearly enough for her, it's still all she's probably going to get for now. She wants to push it, to make him understand that at least this is something she needs, too. But he looks so tired, so defeated. She doesn't think it's something she should force him to talk about now.

And as much as she wants to reassure him, she figures asking him to come to her room more often, or just showing up in his is probably a better plan to begin with.]

Let's go get the books. [Even in her agreement, she stares at him and gives him a hint that this conversation isn't over.

Still, she tugs on his hand and pulls him toward the books for now.]

[It's not a memory that he has. Allison's actual death. He didn't see it happen. He remembers leaning on her heavily, too tired and weak to walk far on his own anymore, and seeing the brunette's body cradled in his best friend's arms. As selfish as it makes him, he wishes he hadn't seen it. He can't purge it from his memory, but he knows Scott and Lydia can't either. That Isaac and Chris can't. Probably not Kira either.

He is tired. He can't remember the last time he wasn't, really. He figures that's just something he needs to deal with because it probably isn't going to change.

He relaxes just a little at her agreement, despite her stare that tells him that just because the conversation is on hold for now, that it won't be forever. He nods slightly, weaving his fingers through hers wordlessly and letting her pull him toward the bookshelves.]

[It's not the memory of Scott holding her best friend's body that haunts her the most. It's what it felt like when Allison died. That entire day, for hours, she had been so overwhelmed, so sick. Her head was spinning, she was terrified, yes, but mostly she was angry. At that thing for hurting the people she loved, at herself for not having better control over her powers. At Beacon Hills for being what it was and bringing all of this upon them.

The voices had never been as loud as they had been that day. But she'd known all along they weren't loud because of Stiles. She'd known all along it was because of Allison. And despite her giving her best to try and warn them, it'd been useless.

But what she really remembers is the silence. The voices were loud, and got louder, and the screaming became more constant until she screamed with them. And then they stopped completely. There was just complete silence inside and outside of her head. And she felt so empty, like she had been able to feel Allison leaving and all she left behind was her hollow body. That was what she remembered the most. The silence, the emptiness, the hollowness she felt as she collapsed onto Stiles' unconscious form. That she still feels now when she thinks of telling Allison something, or how much Allison would have liked to see something, just to be reminded she's not there.

Her focus is on Stiles right now, though. And she doesn't feel empty or hollow right now. She feels his arm hand wrapped around hers even as she starts picking out books for him.]

What happened to you during the flood? I know you weren't yourself, but I have no idea who you were. [Maybe that will be a good backwards way to get answers.]

[Stiles has never really hated anyone until recently. There are people that he's disliked over the years, people he's held serious grudges against -- Rafael McCall is a prime example, and probably the closest he's ever been to actually hating someone. He wants to believe that that pattern would have continued if it weren't for the Nemeton ritual and the darkness that now surrounds his heart. But he doesn't.

He thinks maybe it started with Matt Daehler. Gerard Argent. The alpha pack for killing Erica and Boyd and imprisoning Cora for months. Jennifer Blake. Maybe it doesn't even matter where it started, but Stiles finds himself feeling hatred much more strongly than ever before and he can't help but think that's why the Nogitsune had picked him. Peter Hale had seen darkness inside of him long ago -- it's why Peter had offered him the bite.

But most of all, Stiles hates the Nogitsune. He hates it in ways that make him want to claw off his own skin so he doesn't look like it even if technically it made itself look like Stiles and not the other way around.

His attention is pulled from his thoughts at her question and he remembers that they haven't talked about the last flood. He nods a little and picks up a book off the shelf. This isn't really a comfortable conversation either because it involves having the really terrible memories of someone else that he likes.]

I was...Bucky Barnes. [He glances at her sideways.] Um, you know. Captain America's best friend. [Which honestly...is kind of hilariously ironic.]

[She hates it too. She hates it more than she's ever hated Peter for everything he did to her. And she hated Peter a lot. For making her feel so out of control in her own head and of her own body. She hated him for using her and for making her bring him back to life.

And now she doesn't hate him nearly as much as she used to. Not since he's helped Stiles, even if it was for a price and for his own benefit. Because she knows there are things out there that are a lot worse than Peter Hale.

The Nogitsune for one. And she really does hate him for all he did to Stiles, for what happened to Allison and Aiden because of it. She hates it for being responsible to the three of them being in this place instead of back home, going to school and living their lives.

Even if this place isn't as bad as it could be most of the time.

Lydia adds another book to Stiles' pile and pauses at his words. Because somehow she imagined him being a lot more excited about being connected to a superhero than he actually sounds.]

I take it Scott was Captain America? He was calling me Miss a lot. [she comments, then arches her eyebrows.]

Wait, does that mean Bucky Barnes was you? [Because, hm--]

[They walk through the aisles and he lets her pile book after book into his arms, occasionally grabbing one that catches his attention. It's not the same as being able to follow link after endless Wikipedia link for hours on end. But apparently this is what people did before the Internet existed. He'd survive. He thinks maybe he'll have to start spending more time in the library because cross-referencing things will be easier if he has quick access to what he needs, rather than having to traipse back and forth between his cabin and the library but...

Tonight that's not going to happen. He's way too tired for that tonight. And he's apparently crashing in Lydia's room.

Stiles reads the curiosity on her face easily.]

Being a superhero isn't all they make it out to be. [Which he kind of knows since his best friend is basically a superhero and he knows Scott's life isn't easy.] But yeah. Scott was Captain America, and I remember all kinds of things about their lives that I definitely shouldn't know, and...yeah, Bucky remembers stuff from my life and Captain America probably remembers stuff from Scott's.

Well, it could have been worse, right?

[At least they didn't hurt anyone, or almost hurt anyone. They were good guys, even if she doesn't know much about who Bucky is supposed to be aside from her brief interactions with him during floods and then the Stiles version of him.

Considering what happened in the flood previous to this, though, she figures it's better if Stiles never hears about what happened during this one. Especially not when he is supposed to be spending the night with her to help him with his nightmares.]

Hopefully we will get to stay ourselves next time. All of us.

[She smiles a little and nods at the stack of books he's holding.]

Do you need more?

Yeah, it definitely could have been worse.

[Even if right now he's hard pressed to think of something worse than having someone else's memories of being tortured.

But there is the fact that they didn't harm anyone. That's definitely a thing he's glad about. Extremely glad, in fact. ]

Yeah, hopefully. [He looks down at the books.] This is probably enough for now.

[Manipulating and hurting people you care about is definitely worse, but she won't bring that up, not to Stiles and definitely not considering everything he's been through in the recent past. He knows all about how bad it can get when you're not yourself for one reason or another.]

Let's get going, then. Do you need to stop by your room?

[Her own room is just down the hall but if he needed to, she'd go with him.]

No, I'm good.

[He's wearing a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants already so he doesn't really need to change into something else to sleep. He shifts the books to one arm and offers her the crook of his opposite elbow.]

You need anything from here before we go?

Nope.

[A few days ago, she picked up pretty much all the books she was able to find on Irish Folklore and Celtic culture. The mind-reading with Jean helped but there was still a lot she didn't understand about herself. She smiles softly and links her arm with his.]

I still have some in my room.

Spam!

voluntaryapnea - 2014-06-23 00:43 (UTC) - Expand

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