voluntaryapnea | 06. No One Ever Tells You That Forever Feels Like Home -- Sitting All Alone Inside Your Head.

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06. No One Ever Tells You That Forever Feels Like Home -- Sitting All Alone Inside Your Head.

[Okay then. So that happened. He's gained memories that definitely aren't his, and he knows about things that he definitely shouldn't know about -- in detail; things he doesn't really want to know about. What makes it worse is that he's pretty sure that most of them are Bucky's. That the things he remembers but didn't live through -- are things Bucky actually did live through and wow is that not okay. He hopes he's wrong. That maybe some of it was Bucky was obvious, but how much he's not too clear on.

He's also pretty sure that Bucky got his memories, or at least some of them, and that's upsetting, too. He hasn't talked to Scott about it even though Scott had thought he was Captain America and the actual Captain America had thought he was a werewolf and really. None of this should even surprise him at this point. But it definitely gives him a headache. And there really just isn't enough Adderall in all of space and time for him to try and figure this all out on his own, but he's pretty sure if he doesn't figure out some of it at least, he'll end up driving himself crazy. And. Been there done that, really. He's pretty sure the universe still owes him a damn t-shirt for it, actually and maybe he'll just drop that request in with the admiral. Because his one other contact with the admiral had gone so well.

But it's all left him open to yet another sleepless night so he wanders the barge as he's taken to doing lately when insomnia hits.

He wanders the halls, to the library, to the top deck, trying to stop thinking about the latest flood for the time being.]

[Private Video -- Bucky]

[He's actually not sure where to start here because it seems kind of tactless to talk about someone being tortured for days -- and he knows that part happened because he remembers it from seeing the movie and that just adds a whole new level of gravity and horror to the situation. Because seriously if he'd had any idea back then that Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes were real people in any universe, he never would have watched to begin with.]

Hey, man. How's it going?

[Because a nonchalant, semi-casual conversation starter seems to be the way to go with this.]

[Private Video -- Scott]

So I don't know about you, but I feel...really weird about this whole...swapping lives sort of thing that happened.

[And yeah, he's going to do his best to ignore that whole 'it's Father's Day' thing going around. Because he misses his dad a lot. It does dawn on him that Scott might be having a rough day with it, though because Scott's dad is pretty much, in Stiles' opinion anyway, one of the douchiest douches that ever walked the earth they came from.]

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[It definitely isn't meant to upset her. He probably should have realized it might, though. It isn't that he doubts her or her sincerity. It's not about that. It's never been about that.

It's that he doesn't deserve to not have nightmares. He doesn't deserve to have peaceful nights. Not when there are so many people who've died when it should have just been him. Not when it was people like Allison Argent instead. His chest feels tight and he rubs a hand over his face, nodding at her words. Because he does know -- she's made the offer before.

And he doesn't understand how it can possibly help her to have her best friend's executioner sleep in the same bed with her. It literally makes no sense at all in his mind. But he knows she's sincere.]

Yeah. I know. So we'll just find some books and head to your room then.

[She could never think of him as someone who hurt Allison. She doesn't, it's not a connection she makes. Even when she spent a whole day locked up with that thing at Oak Creek, she never for one second saw Stiles. It was all about the way he looked at her. There hadn't been anything remotely like it there.

While his agreement isn't nearly enough for her, it's still all she's probably going to get for now. She wants to push it, to make him understand that at least this is something she needs, too. But he looks so tired, so defeated. She doesn't think it's something she should force him to talk about now.

And as much as she wants to reassure him, she figures asking him to come to her room more often, or just showing up in his is probably a better plan to begin with.]

Let's go get the books. [Even in her agreement, she stares at him and gives him a hint that this conversation isn't over.

Still, she tugs on his hand and pulls him toward the books for now.]

[It's not a memory that he has. Allison's actual death. He didn't see it happen. He remembers leaning on her heavily, too tired and weak to walk far on his own anymore, and seeing the brunette's body cradled in his best friend's arms. As selfish as it makes him, he wishes he hadn't seen it. He can't purge it from his memory, but he knows Scott and Lydia can't either. That Isaac and Chris can't. Probably not Kira either.

He is tired. He can't remember the last time he wasn't, really. He figures that's just something he needs to deal with because it probably isn't going to change.

He relaxes just a little at her agreement, despite her stare that tells him that just because the conversation is on hold for now, that it won't be forever. He nods slightly, weaving his fingers through hers wordlessly and letting her pull him toward the bookshelves.]

[It's not the memory of Scott holding her best friend's body that haunts her the most. It's what it felt like when Allison died. That entire day, for hours, she had been so overwhelmed, so sick. Her head was spinning, she was terrified, yes, but mostly she was angry. At that thing for hurting the people she loved, at herself for not having better control over her powers. At Beacon Hills for being what it was and bringing all of this upon them.

The voices had never been as loud as they had been that day. But she'd known all along they weren't loud because of Stiles. She'd known all along it was because of Allison. And despite her giving her best to try and warn them, it'd been useless.

But what she really remembers is the silence. The voices were loud, and got louder, and the screaming became more constant until she screamed with them. And then they stopped completely. There was just complete silence inside and outside of her head. And she felt so empty, like she had been able to feel Allison leaving and all she left behind was her hollow body. That was what she remembered the most. The silence, the emptiness, the hollowness she felt as she collapsed onto Stiles' unconscious form. That she still feels now when she thinks of telling Allison something, or how much Allison would have liked to see something, just to be reminded she's not there.

Her focus is on Stiles right now, though. And she doesn't feel empty or hollow right now. She feels his arm hand wrapped around hers even as she starts picking out books for him.]

What happened to you during the flood? I know you weren't yourself, but I have no idea who you were. [Maybe that will be a good backwards way to get answers.]

[Stiles has never really hated anyone until recently. There are people that he's disliked over the years, people he's held serious grudges against -- Rafael McCall is a prime example, and probably the closest he's ever been to actually hating someone. He wants to believe that that pattern would have continued if it weren't for the Nemeton ritual and the darkness that now surrounds his heart. But he doesn't.

He thinks maybe it started with Matt Daehler. Gerard Argent. The alpha pack for killing Erica and Boyd and imprisoning Cora for months. Jennifer Blake. Maybe it doesn't even matter where it started, but Stiles finds himself feeling hatred much more strongly than ever before and he can't help but think that's why the Nogitsune had picked him. Peter Hale had seen darkness inside of him long ago -- it's why Peter had offered him the bite.

But most of all, Stiles hates the Nogitsune. He hates it in ways that make him want to claw off his own skin so he doesn't look like it even if technically it made itself look like Stiles and not the other way around.

His attention is pulled from his thoughts at her question and he remembers that they haven't talked about the last flood. He nods a little and picks up a book off the shelf. This isn't really a comfortable conversation either because it involves having the really terrible memories of someone else that he likes.]

I was...Bucky Barnes. [He glances at her sideways.] Um, you know. Captain America's best friend. [Which honestly...is kind of hilariously ironic.]

[She hates it too. She hates it more than she's ever hated Peter for everything he did to her. And she hated Peter a lot. For making her feel so out of control in her own head and of her own body. She hated him for using her and for making her bring him back to life.

And now she doesn't hate him nearly as much as she used to. Not since he's helped Stiles, even if it was for a price and for his own benefit. Because she knows there are things out there that are a lot worse than Peter Hale.

The Nogitsune for one. And she really does hate him for all he did to Stiles, for what happened to Allison and Aiden because of it. She hates it for being responsible to the three of them being in this place instead of back home, going to school and living their lives.

Even if this place isn't as bad as it could be most of the time.

Lydia adds another book to Stiles' pile and pauses at his words. Because somehow she imagined him being a lot more excited about being connected to a superhero than he actually sounds.]

I take it Scott was Captain America? He was calling me Miss a lot. [she comments, then arches her eyebrows.]

Wait, does that mean Bucky Barnes was you? [Because, hm--]

[They walk through the aisles and he lets her pile book after book into his arms, occasionally grabbing one that catches his attention. It's not the same as being able to follow link after endless Wikipedia link for hours on end. But apparently this is what people did before the Internet existed. He'd survive. He thinks maybe he'll have to start spending more time in the library because cross-referencing things will be easier if he has quick access to what he needs, rather than having to traipse back and forth between his cabin and the library but...

Tonight that's not going to happen. He's way too tired for that tonight. And he's apparently crashing in Lydia's room.

Stiles reads the curiosity on her face easily.]

Being a superhero isn't all they make it out to be. [Which he kind of knows since his best friend is basically a superhero and he knows Scott's life isn't easy.] But yeah. Scott was Captain America, and I remember all kinds of things about their lives that I definitely shouldn't know, and...yeah, Bucky remembers stuff from my life and Captain America probably remembers stuff from Scott's.

Well, it could have been worse, right?

[At least they didn't hurt anyone, or almost hurt anyone. They were good guys, even if she doesn't know much about who Bucky is supposed to be aside from her brief interactions with him during floods and then the Stiles version of him.

Considering what happened in the flood previous to this, though, she figures it's better if Stiles never hears about what happened during this one. Especially not when he is supposed to be spending the night with her to help him with his nightmares.]

Hopefully we will get to stay ourselves next time. All of us.

[She smiles a little and nods at the stack of books he's holding.]

Do you need more?

Yeah, it definitely could have been worse.

[Even if right now he's hard pressed to think of something worse than having someone else's memories of being tortured.

But there is the fact that they didn't harm anyone. That's definitely a thing he's glad about. Extremely glad, in fact. ]

Yeah, hopefully. [He looks down at the books.] This is probably enough for now.

[Manipulating and hurting people you care about is definitely worse, but she won't bring that up, not to Stiles and definitely not considering everything he's been through in the recent past. He knows all about how bad it can get when you're not yourself for one reason or another.]

Let's get going, then. Do you need to stop by your room?

[Her own room is just down the hall but if he needed to, she'd go with him.]

No, I'm good.

[He's wearing a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants already so he doesn't really need to change into something else to sleep. He shifts the books to one arm and offers her the crook of his opposite elbow.]

You need anything from here before we go?

Nope.

[A few days ago, she picked up pretty much all the books she was able to find on Irish Folklore and Celtic culture. The mind-reading with Jean helped but there was still a lot she didn't understand about herself. She smiles softly and links her arm with his.]

I still have some in my room.

Okay, cool.

[He smiles a little when she links her arm through his, too, and he leads her toward the door. Hopefully they can both get some decent rest tonight.]

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06. No One Ever Tells You That Forever Feels Like Home -- Sitting All Alone Inside Your Head.

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