voluntaryapnea | 06. No One Ever Tells You That Forever Feels Like Home -- Sitting All Alone Inside Your Head.

Entry tags:

06. No One Ever Tells You That Forever Feels Like Home -- Sitting All Alone Inside Your Head.

[Okay then. So that happened. He's gained memories that definitely aren't his, and he knows about things that he definitely shouldn't know about -- in detail; things he doesn't really want to know about. What makes it worse is that he's pretty sure that most of them are Bucky's. That the things he remembers but didn't live through -- are things Bucky actually did live through and wow is that not okay. He hopes he's wrong. That maybe some of it was Bucky was obvious, but how much he's not too clear on.

He's also pretty sure that Bucky got his memories, or at least some of them, and that's upsetting, too. He hasn't talked to Scott about it even though Scott had thought he was Captain America and the actual Captain America had thought he was a werewolf and really. None of this should even surprise him at this point. But it definitely gives him a headache. And there really just isn't enough Adderall in all of space and time for him to try and figure this all out on his own, but he's pretty sure if he doesn't figure out some of it at least, he'll end up driving himself crazy. And. Been there done that, really. He's pretty sure the universe still owes him a damn t-shirt for it, actually and maybe he'll just drop that request in with the admiral. Because his one other contact with the admiral had gone so well.

But it's all left him open to yet another sleepless night so he wanders the barge as he's taken to doing lately when insomnia hits.

He wanders the halls, to the library, to the top deck, trying to stop thinking about the latest flood for the time being.]

[Private Video -- Bucky]

[He's actually not sure where to start here because it seems kind of tactless to talk about someone being tortured for days -- and he knows that part happened because he remembers it from seeing the movie and that just adds a whole new level of gravity and horror to the situation. Because seriously if he'd had any idea back then that Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes were real people in any universe, he never would have watched to begin with.]

Hey, man. How's it going?

[Because a nonchalant, semi-casual conversation starter seems to be the way to go with this.]

[Private Video -- Scott]

So I don't know about you, but I feel...really weird about this whole...swapping lives sort of thing that happened.

[And yeah, he's going to do his best to ignore that whole 'it's Father's Day' thing going around. Because he misses his dad a lot. It does dawn on him that Scott might be having a rough day with it, though because Scott's dad is pretty much, in Stiles' opinion anyway, one of the douchiest douches that ever walked the earth they came from.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[God can he ever relate to that. He almost feels bad for assuring Bucky that it's not his fault, because. That sucks, too. There just aren't easy answers. Ever, apparently.

He chews his lower lip for a moment, trying to figure out what he wants to say here.]

It's kind of...weird to think about, I guess, because our lives are pretty different on one hand, but on the other... [He lets his voice trail off and he looks down for a second.] If it helps, I think the memories are probably gonna fade after a few weeks.

[Bucky's less optimistic on that one. He can still remember what it was like to work for HYDRA, and how he'd been sort of pleased with himself to be able to out himself to Morgana, and the others like it was yesterday. Like it was him.

But this was a flood, so maybe it will be different. Who knows? Either way, it's easier to just let out a soft laugh at the other comment, because he definitely knows where you were going with that.]

They're pretty similar, yeah. Funny how that worked out.

[Stiles remembers that happening even if he hadn't commented. He hadn't seen a point, and he figured that when Bucky remembered who he really was, he'd just end up feeling more guilty about things with every person that he taunted. Avoiding as much as possible had seemed like the best plan at the time.]

Yeah, no kidding. You uh -- you talked to Steve about any of it? [He's hesitant now, and he's going to let Bucky decide which part Stiles is asking about.]

[He's assuming he means the flood, even though the rest of it is something that's kind of weighing heavily on his mind right now. He's never really talked in detail about what happened to him - Steve had wanted to ask, and had come close to really pushing when he'd first really seen what shape Bucky was in while trying to clean him up a little before they got back to camp, but Bucky had redirected the conversation and had omitted some of the details from his debriefing because he didn't want to wind up back in some lab - but some people had a general idea of what went on.

Stiles knows, or at least he might know, and he doesn't want to talk about it while also wanting to say something, like it'll be okay or don't worry about it too much. He's fine. Mostly fine. Enough to pass for fine.]

A little. [Which holds true for both questions.] You talked to Scott?

[Who knows parts of it now too, probably, and that at least feels easier. He's had to cope with that kind of knowing before, he can do it again.]

[He kind of means all of it. The flood, but also the rest of it. Because there's a lot. Isn't there always a lot, really? He suspects that if Steve is as much like Scott as he believes him to be (or vice versa), that Steve probably knows more than he's letting on and he's not bringing it up, for Bucky's sake. But Stiles is starting to wonder just how much a single person can actually process without venting or talking about it with someone.

And before all of this, before werewolves were ever a thing, Stiles never held anything back from Scott. His best friend saw and heard it all -- good, bad and ugly. But there's so much he doesn't say anymore because he desperately wants to protect Scott. And he knows, knows that if he ever found out that Scott was holding stuff back from him, he'd be hurt and god he's a hypocrite. It's just that Scott deals with so much all the time and Stiles doesn't want to add to it, and he's pretty sure that's at least part of the reason Bucky hasn't talked to Steve in-depth about things.]

Not a lot. Not about this stuff anyway. [He pauses, looking troubled.] Not about a lot of stuff actually. And now that I think about it, it's...probably not fair to him.

Probably not. [Because yeah, he would be furious if their positions were reversed and Steve felt like he couldn't talk to Bucky about something. That's not how this is supposed to work.

But that doesn't change the fact that he doesn't see how it's going to help to sit Steve down and explain every bad thing that had happened to him in the year he'd been away fighting, because Steve's got enough on his plate without having to worry about Bucky, and that's exactly what he'll do. He needs to at least pretend like he's something close to the guy who left Brooklyn, even if there are some days where he feels like that might as well have been a different person entirely.]

But I'm probably the wrong person to try and talk you into spilling. I haven't talked to Steve about a lot of stuff. [And there's definitely guilt there, and that's more than he's admitted to pretty much anyone, but. There it is.]

[He blows out a breath, because yeah. It's definitely not how it's supposed to work. He'd never want Scott to feel like he couldn't be anything but utterly, brutally honest with him, but he's being a lot less than that with Scott these days. He rakes a hand through his hair.

Holding back from their best friends for their own good is something they obviously have in common. He looks at Bucky silently for a few moments, nodding slightly. He picks up on the guilt, feels it like it mirrors his own.]

You want to protect him. [It's not a question.]

[Bucky shrugs, and a small, wry smile starts to form on his face, because if things worked out the same way for the other Stiles and Scott, Stiles already knows how true this is.

Even without the flood, he'd probably know. Personal experience and all, even if Scott had maybe been a lot less vulnerable than Steve had been at his lowest points.]

It's what I've been doing my whole life. [And he really doesn't need to know about what happened, or some of the stuff Bucky's done, or how he feels about any of it.]

[There have been times throughout their lives when Scott's been pretty vulnerable. The time right after his dad took off comes to mind. Stiles has known the reasons why since the same night and hasn't ever said anything to his best friend because he knows how Scott thinks. He'll blame himself even if it isn't in any way his fault. The ways that Stiles tries to protect Scott may differ than the ways that Bucky protects Steve, but at the heart of the situation, their reasoning is similar.

They're protecting their brothers, plain and simple.

Stiles smiles faintly at that, and nods in understanding.]

Yeah. [He hesitates for a moment.] How bad are the things that you remember from Beacon Hills? [Because some of it isn't so bad, but other things...]

[He's probably not a good person to ask, all things considered. Things don't seem as bad, sort of, considering what he's got to compare it to, but other stuff? Like high school bullies turning into giant lizard monsters and getting kidnapped and lying to his dad and covering for Steve and watching people get hurt and killed when he's just supposed to be a normal teenager?

Yeah, it was pretty bad.] It was way different from how I remember high school.

I don't know if everything's the same, [Obviously, it's not like he has much of a frame of reference, and he doesn't know all the details or even most of them.] But it sounds like you guys've had a pretty lousy time.

I guess the last thing I remember from before the Barge was Steve- [And he's not sure how much sense it makes that that - the panic and desperation to keep his voice calm and talk him down because no way was he letting this happen - still feels very real, even if it's not.] Steve trying to set himself on fire.

[And Bucky doesn't ask directly, but the question's still sort of hanging there. Did that happen?]

[It's been an interesting couple of years in Beacon Hills considering the first fifteen years of his life were basically as normal as it could get. Aside from his mom dying when he was eight. Even that is relatively normal in comparison to the supernatural, though. He nods a little at Bucky's comment about it not being how he remembered high school. Different worlds.]

It's been a rough few months. [He's glad, though, that Bucky doesn't have memories of the Nemeton ritual. Of being possessed and killing people. Those were the ones he was worried about. But he flinches, because that memory still haunts his nightmares on a regular basis.

He draws in a breath and lets it out slowly, rubbing a hand over his face and nodding.]

Yeah that...was real. Unfortunately. [Needless to say, it was one of the most terrifying moments of Stiles' life. He's just glad he was able to talk Scott down. Either way, he'd been ready to go down with him if that was the way things had played out.]

[Bucky definitely knows what that's like. They'd never really had to go through something like that - thank God - but Bucky's always been willing to go down with or for Steve if that's what had to happen. And that's pretty much what did happen, so he gets it.

Still, the fact that it hadn't been some world war or whatever - just completely unexpected, mostly unwanted terrifying bullshit - makes it pretty damn impressive.]

He's lucky he's got someone like you.

[To do that kind of thing, or to just be on his side when he needs someone to talk to, or just to be there.

Which actually kind of makes the stuff Stiles got in exchange feel sort of worse.]

Did you- You don't remember the fall, do you? [It's probably opening the door for other discussion too, stuff that he really doesn't think he wants to talk about, but. He kind of feels like he needs to ask this, at least.]

[His experience with friendship in the past has been severely limited. Scott's always been there, as long as he can remember. Long before mothers who died and fathers who left and werewolves and banshees and kitsunes and nogitsunes and darachs and nemetons, there was the two of them. Brothers upon first meeting as far as he'd always been concerned. There is literally nothing Stiles isn't willing to do to keep Scott safe and alive. And he isn't going to willingly live in a world where Scott is dead. He just isn't.

He's not sure that it makes Scott lucky, really. Not considering the reason they're all now on a Barge in space is because of him, at least on some level. But he appreciates the sentiment.]

No. No, I remember the train but not that part. [And he's glad about that. He doesn't have a fear of falling, but he's pretty sure he would have gained it if he remembered that.]

[Someday, he'll understand all that a lot more intimately. For the time being, it's a good thing he doesn't, but even if he did, he'd probably say the same thing.

Scott's lucky to have someone watching his back, who's with him no matter what shit they got through and knows they can do what's necessary to help. They're lucky to have this, when they easily could have wound up alone.]

Good. [Except that means he probably remembers the rest of it, too, and he really, really doesn't know what to do with that.] Kind of makes looking over the deck railing a little scary.

[It's a joke, and it's scary for more than that, too.]

[He thinks Steve is pretty lucky to have Bucky watching his back, too. Really, he thinks they're all pretty lucky in the way that Stiles has Scott and Scott has Stiles and Bucky and Steve have each other, too. It definitely beats trying to go through life on your own.

But he also knows that for awhile it had literally just been Bucky and Steve. They'd been orphaned at twelve, and while Stiles had lost his mom and Scott's dad had left, Stiles still had his dad and Scott still had his mom, and they had each other's parents, as well.]

Yeah, I'm sure it does. [He knows it's a joke, but it's the kind of joke that's based in truth and that's something he recognizes because those tend to be the jokes he tells. He pauses for a moment, considering. It's a lot. The memories. But he also knows he didn't actually live through the things that he remembers. Bucky, on the other hand...]

I'm not gonna push or anything but uh -- if you wanna talk about any of it, I'm a pretty decent listener, man. Just putting that out there.

[That had been nice, honestly. Bucky misses his dad, obviously, but he hadn't really realized how much that was still true until getting memories of having him around - a different him, sure, but still enough of the George Barnes he remembers to make him more aware of that loss than he's been in a long time.

And then Stiles says that, and his expression muddles into something that's somewhere between a smile and a grimace because he knows what Stiles is talking about.]

It's fine. I don't remember a lot of it. [The words feel hollow even to him, and he knows Stiles won't buy it for a hot second. He might be missing time, sure, but not enough to forget what happened in that factory, and if Stiles got the memories he does have, well. He'll know how much bullshit that is.]

Steve got me out, that's what matters.

[But that feels like a bullshit way to leave things, even if it's true, so.]

But if you want to talk, believe me, I get how fucked up it was.

[And it's made Stiles hyper-aware of how much he misses his dad, too. And Scott's mom, actually.

He watches as Bucky's expression shifts into something less open, and he gets it. There's stuff he's not ready or willing to discuss, too, but at least he put the offer out there. It's the least he can do, really.

And he definitely knows it's bullshit, because Stiles is nothing if not perceptive, and he has those memories and okay he's not sure they're 100% accurate to what Bucky went through exactly, but he figures they're pretty close to it if not spot on.]

I'm okay. [And he is, really. It's not pleasant -- how can memories of torture be pleasant? -- but at least now it's clarified that the stuff he remembers are Bucky's memories, and he didn't hallucinate all of it or something.

It does all feel extra heavy right now, because he's watching Bucky try to deal with the fact that he knows things about his life that his best friend doesn't even know and yeah, that's sucky. He tilts his head to the side, deciding on a course of action. Hopefully.]

Wanna see if the CES is open? We could get in some lacrosse practice. [Because throwing their energy into that right now sounds pretty good to Stiles.]

[It does. It really, really does, because doing this sort of thing is how Bucky's coped with just about every challenge life's thrown at him.

He doesn't deal with things, not really. He fixes them, or finds a way to just accept what happened and keep moving, because if he let himself lie down in the dirt feeling like shit, Steve would've died from some stupid asthma attack, or they both would've been out on the streets, or the guys in his squad would've gotten killed, or he'd have been sent home and had to read about Steve crashing a goddamn plane into the Arctic in the papers.

Of course, his version of accepting it and actually accepting whatever life has to trow at him is different, and he's got festering wounds that might not ever get better, but it's easier to give Stiles a genuine grin at the offer.

He's fine. They're both fine. Why wouldn't they be?]

Sure. I guess I actually kinda understand the rules, now.

[Truthfully Stiles has had moments where things have been so bad, so overwhelming, that he's wanted to lie down in the dirt and just quit. He talked about it once with Morrell -- and her advice had been to just keep going. He's taken that advice to heart and held fast to it even when it's not easy.

Why wouldn't they both be fine, indeed.]

Awesome. See you down there?

You bet.

[And he will be headed right up there, kind of ridiculously pleased that something marginally useful has come from his most recent flood experience. Hopefully he still remembers how to play.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

06. No One Ever Tells You That Forever Feels Like Home -- Sitting All Alone Inside Your Head.

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private