voluntaryapnea | 10. I can't get used to it/I'll never get used to it

10. I can't get used to it/I'll never get used to it

[Video -- Scorpius]

So...thanks. For finding me and taking me to the infirmary during the breach.

[As usual, he wonders if his own death would have prevented that of someone else's. Allison's. It always seems to come down to that. But he knows that despite the death toll, his own death would also have taken its toll on his friends. He knows that if there's an ultimate choice at stake -- and there is, he'll always choose Allison's life over his own. But in this situation he hadn't known, couldn't have known, and Scorpius certainly didn't, so while the thanks is belated, it is also sincere.]

[Video -- Jack]

Hey. Thanks for...well, Scott said you gave me your own blood or I probably wouldn't have survived. That's pretty awesome doctor-ing, considering the limited amount of supplies and stuff.

[Video -- Scott and Lydia]

She knows we're leaving stuff out. I told her no one really wanted to talk about my murder spree right now, but I don't know if... [He looks down, holds his breath for a moment. He doesn't know if she believes that's all there is. That alone is a lot. But Allison is smart, and she knows all of them so very well. He exhales.]

I'm starting to think maybe we should tell her. Before she winds up finding out some other way.

[Video -- Andrew]

Hey. Any chance you'd wanna do a movie or video game thing soon?

[Video -- Wardens]

Has anyone ever changed the specifics of their deal without leaving the Barge for awhile first? Is that something that's possible?

[Video -- Jean]

I know we haven't really talked but uh, I was wondering if that whole offer you made a few days ago about people talking to you...if that was still on the table. [A beat.]

Because I think that's probably something I should do.

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[Many people, coming from Ben's life, would laugh outright at this; where Manticore's concerned, for its subjects, there is nothing like hope. Nothing like good. Stiles' statement would be extremely laughable, to most.

But Ben has never been cruel; something in his expression softens a little even as he withdraws just as slightly, considering how much he should say.

Finally, very seriously:] This is my home. There were too many bad things for me, where I came from - I was one of them. I can't fix it, not even with a deal from this place, so I won't try.

I will give my deal to Abigail, when she is ready to consider the possibility.

[Oh.

Ben's first words This is my home, immediately make him think of the debacle with Megamind just hours before. How he asserted that when people start thinking of the Barge as home, there's a problem. Stiles didn't think that was necessarily accurate then because a blanket statement is rarely true for everyone, even if it's true for the majority. And there are trials and horrors to be found in every pocket of the universe, not just on the barge. Why can't the barge be home to whoever declares it so?]

Oh. [He nods, accepting Ben's words as easily as he accepted the idea of werewolves and kanimas and darachs.] Sorry. I didn't mean to assume anything. Just...pulling off personal experience. How long have you been here?

[Ben, of course, knows he's in the minority. The Barge is not a safe place, is not a place he knows most people would want to consider home, but it's been good to him and many of the horrors he's faced here were not new to him. Indeed, he's always had a harder time coping with the events that most other people found enjoyable: suddenly being someone's son or brother or classmate, having a last name, going to school or church or a carnival.

Here, at least, he has an identity, a name, friends, and a place to belong. Here, at least, he has himself.]

I am not offended. I would be more concerned if you did not pull from personal experience, as it would mean you had a reason to develop abnormal deduction practices. This, too, is typically a symptom of "something bad" happening, though not always.

I came as an inmate, originally. I graduated just after I'd been here for a year, and that has been almost thirteen months from now. So a little more than two years, allowing for time anomalies inherent to the nature of the Barge and its events.

[The Barge isn't a safe place. But Stiles doesn't think there's any such thing anymore. Not really. He wonders if there ever really was, or if he'd just been a lot more naive before all of the supernatural stuff flooded their lives.

He's relieved that he hasn't offended the other guy. Sometimes he wants to offend people, but that's usually only if he doesn't like someone, or if he's picked up on the fact that someone isn't really who they're pretending to be -- even if it's on a subconscious level. Ben doesn't fall into either of those categories.

He listens, watching him intently and chewing his lower lip. He knows a lot of the current wardens were once inmates and that's one of those things that causes him a rather rare spark of hope. The barge, with all of its insanity and chaos does clearly work for quite a few people, even if it doesn't work for everyone. That's reassuring.]

Yeah that whole time thing is...strange. To me, anyway. But I haven't been here nearly as long as you. I'm guessing you're pretty used to it by now? [Because the whole werewolf thing has only been in his life for a bit over a year and he's pretty used to that now. Almost like it was never not a part of his life.]

No.

[Ben watches Stiles considering his words; he heard the conversation with Megamind, of course, so he isn't actively expecting an argument, but it's always a possibility. The fact of the matter is that Ben didn't have a safe place, before here; he didn't grow up expecting that was something he should have, a right that all living things have, but that kind of existence is so difficult for most to even imagine. That Stiles listens, perhaps even tries, is enough to endear him to Ben.

So his denial is firm but not harsh, and his eyes are bright on the other warden.]

I have never become accustomed to it, but my acquaintance with the passage of time has always been... inconsistent.

Some phenomena should not be gotten used to, regardless. Some argue that it does not matter because time does not pass where we all come from while we are here, and we do not age until we leave. Does it exist, then? The passage of time? Arguably it is a device by which we measure our own comfort. Sentient beings like to know.

[Stiles nods slightly.]

Yeah the whole...aging thing is something I've been trying to wrap my head around since I got here. It was November back home when I left, and it was April when I arrived, and my birthday is in April so does that mean I actually turned 18 a couple days after I got here? Or am I still 17 and I won't turn 18 until September, when five months has passed in actual time here and not the blink of an eye?

[He pauses and then shrugs. He's not even entirely sure what he just said makes sense, but he hopes it does.]

[But Ben, anyway, seems to be following. His expression certainly doesn't shift, his gaze doesn't waver.]

Which would you prefer, Stiles?

I guess it doesn't really matter that much either way. Just kinda weird not knowing. You know?

It does not, in the practical sense, matter. It is a fact that exists whether you possess knowledge of it or not.

Logically, then, whichever scenario is the greater comfort to you is the one you should attempt to devote your energy to believing.

[He smiles at that, nodding.] I think I'm gonna stick with being seventeen. September's not that far off anyway.

[Stiles pauses.]

But hey, I sorta have a request for you. You're absolutely free to say no if you aren't interested, of course. I don't suppose you'd have any interest in being team captain of our lacrosse team for awhile? I'm sorta...recovering physically and I'm not gonna be up to actually playing for a few weeks.

A sound strategy.

[This is approval from Ben, though he doesn't exactly smile. He states it with delicate firmness, without looking away.

And there is curiosity there, too, the slight cock of his head that invites Stiles to continue when he leads in with several courtesies and unnecessary segues, which make them no less appreciated. But the request itself stops him dead.

Team captain, at a sport he wasn't even certain he wanted to try without Alex. Whatever warmth there had been in the X5 goes out of him, withdrawing slightly in his uncertainty. Ben has never been an example of confidence, not in this regard.

It changes his syntax immediately several steps back towards his more typical military cadence.]

Sir, I apologize for your difficulties, but. I am unfamiliar with the sport, with the other players, and with... there must be someone better suited. [Ben has studied the rules, can quote them upon request in most cases, and he is very familiar with all of the Barge passengers - but from a distance. He rarely interacts with most of them, preferring to observe.]

[He notices the change. It's not quite visual, but it's definitely obvious. He shifts in his chair, not sure what to think because Ben's someone he has a hard time figuring out. He doesn't know him well, and he knows Ben is definitely unique, but that's where his understanding kind of stops.]

Oh. It's okay, man. [He holds a hand up as if to signal it's fine.] Like I said, no pressure.

[Stiles is not remotely alone in this position; it's a little ironic, given how open Ben is to answering any question asked of him, willing to share almost any experience he can describe, but here they are.

Ben's eyes track the raised hand, hold on it when Stiles stops moving, and he is quiet and still for several long moments as though hypnotized except he's not entirely behind his eyes. He's thinking, considering. Skeptical.

Without coming back to himself, Ben echoes in a tone gone delicately cautious:] No pressure.

...What would the duties entail? [Not at all with the air of someone accepting any duties of any kind, but merely gathering information. At last he blinks, and seems to see Stiles again, focused intently now but still with no small amount of uncertainty.]

[Frankly Ben's uniqueness is probably part of why Stiles likes him. He has a knack for finding unique individuals and befriending them. Scott was unique long before he was a werewolf. Lydia intrigued him years before her banshee powers kicked in. At seventeen, Allison can wield a bow and arrow to rival Robin Hood, Hawkeye or Green Arrow. And those are just his friends from home. Here there's also a handful of superheroes, a girl with demon powers, a reaper with klepto tendencies...

He smiles a little at Ben's question.]

Mostly it's just trying to get other teammates more engaged if you notice their attention's wavering. Leading the warm up and cool down before and after practice or games. Helping strategize. I'll help whoever from the sidelines.

[Often, Ben wonders if others realize that each of them is unique, that the individuality most of them take for granted is as much a gift as anything else about them, not a right; if they understand how wonderful it is. He is different in several ways from most of them. Others, not at all.

No one asks, though, so he tells his stories to himself and he watches them and he learns them, and now he is being asked to lead some of them, even in something as nonessential as lacrosse.

At the definition, he does not seem satisfied. That isn't his experience with captains at all.]

I am not... skilled. At encouraging others to engage. I doubt I would obeyed so far out of my realm of knowledge and affinity.

Edited (i grammar gud) 2014-08-29 05:12 (UTC)

[Stiles thinks that most people probably find themselves to be pretty ordinary, unless they have some kind of abilities that others don't. Or maybe that's just him.

He can tell Ben's not entirely convinced by Stiles' description of captain duties. He really doesn't want to pressure the guy into doing something he doesn't want to do, but he also can't help but think it would be good for him to be more involved in things. Even things that are just for fun, like lacrosse.]

Well, like I said, I'll help from the bench and be at all the practices that happen between now and when I'm well enough to play again. But it's up to you, Ben.

[When Ben arrived aboard the Barge, he didn't know what fun was; he didn't know how to do anything just for fun. Now he knows it as an abstract concept, one he occasionally finds himself immersed in, but without any practical knowledge for how to engage at will without feeling incredibly uncomfortable.

He's quiet again, considering, which is not uncommon for him. Ben is far from spontaneous. He can be quick when the situation calls for it, decisive, but left to his own devices he keeps his own counsel and takes his time making decisions.]

You are my team captain as well. [This with still a slight tint of dubiousness to it, the underlying possibility that he's justifying something to himself as much as to Stiles. It's subtle, but deeply rooted. It's easier for him to accept optional activities if they become assigned duties instead of personal preferences; the former is clearcut and unwavering. The latter, Ben doesn't even know the shape of yet.] If I am capable of assisting you, I will. I will trust your judgment in asking it of me.

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10. I can't get used to it/I'll never get used to it

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