voluntaryapnea | 10. I can't get used to it/I'll never get used to it

[Video -- Scorpius]

So...thanks. For finding me and taking me to the infirmary during the breach.

[As usual, he wonders if his own death would have prevented that of someone else's. Allison's. It always seems to come down to that. But he knows that despite the death toll, his own death would also have taken its toll on his friends. He knows that if there's an ultimate choice at stake -- and there is, he'll always choose Allison's life over his own. But in this situation he hadn't known, couldn't have known, and Scorpius certainly didn't, so while the thanks is belated, it is also sincere.]

[Video -- Jack]

Hey. Thanks for...well, Scott said you gave me your own blood or I probably wouldn't have survived. That's pretty awesome doctor-ing, considering the limited amount of supplies and stuff.

[Video -- Scott and Lydia]

She knows we're leaving stuff out. I told her no one really wanted to talk about my murder spree right now, but I don't know if... [He looks down, holds his breath for a moment. He doesn't know if she believes that's all there is. That alone is a lot. But Allison is smart, and she knows all of them so very well. He exhales.]

I'm starting to think maybe we should tell her. Before she winds up finding out some other way.

[Video -- Andrew]

Hey. Any chance you'd wanna do a movie or video game thing soon?

[Video -- Wardens]

Has anyone ever changed the specifics of their deal without leaving the Barge for awhile first? Is that something that's possible?

[Video -- Jean]

I know we haven't really talked but uh, I was wondering if that whole offer you made a few days ago about people talking to you...if that was still on the table. [A beat.]

Because I think that's probably something I should do.

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[He hesitates at that.]

How does it work, though? I mean, what's the process like?

It's mostly about...soothing the mind. I won't take anything away, I'll just - mute it enough for you to rest.

It's not a permanent solution - it just helps you while you get better on your own.

Do you see the things inside? [His voice is hushed.] I mean, would you see what you were soothing?

No. ...I could, if I wanted to, but - if I'm trying not to, which I would, then no. I'd...feel the emotions that come with it, though. Those are harder to block.

[He looks down at his hands for a long moment, exhaling.]

Can I think it over for awhile?

Of course. [Her voice is soft, and earnest.] And it's okay if you don't want to. There's a lot we can try.

Thanks, Jean. It's just -- no offense to you or anything -- part of the problem was some...thing was in my head for awhile. [His foot bounces on the floor.]

I was possessed.

[Oh.

Something in her chest clenches and twists, and it shows in the pained expression on her face.]

Who - or what - did it?

[He hesitates, mostly because of that expression. And he wonders if she's been through something like this before. If not her, someone she loves. He twists his fingers together and looks down.]

Something called a nogitsune. It's -- an evil spirit, basically. Ancient. [His voice grows even quieter.] Powerful.

[More like Phoenix, then, than Mesmero or Mastermind.]

How did it change you?

[He takes a deep breath, leaning back against the sofa as he contemplates the answer to her question. Or rather, the answers. Because the nogitsune changed him in a lot of ways.]

I'm a lot more aware of how dangerous I can be. How willing I am to do whatever it takes to keep people I love safe. [He bites his lip, shifting again on the couch.]

I killed people. A lot of people. [He swallows heavily.] I almost killed Scott. I drove a sword through his stomach so I could feed on his pain. I'm not -- I can't always figure out which was it and which was me. I don't trust myself with my friends anymore.

[That's so familiar, all of it, and the aching sympathy is plain on her face.

After a moment, she presses a hand to her chest. Feels her heart pulse in time with the universe.]

I'm not just me any more, either. I - it's a long story, but I ended up bound with an...ancient, cosmic force. And when it got too much to handle - I snapped. I always killed my friends. I did kill - a lot of other people.

And I'm not sure, either, where it ends and I begin.

[He holds his breath as she tells him about her own experience and his chest aches as he wonders if that's what's brought her to the Barge. If it's so that she can fix things. Change things back home. He swallows heavily and nods.]

It's why I'm here. To change things. To stop it all from happening.

Me, too. Or at least - fix some of the damage. [She can't stop herself from becoming Phoenix, not without sacrificing the X-Men.

And she knows, really, that she doesn't want to.]

But - you'll still remember, Stiles. Or at least - I did, when I made my first deal. I still knew...what had happened, originally.

[But Stiles can stop himself from becoming the nogitsune. It requires a sacrifice, but it's one he'll make willingly.]

Yeah, I'm...pretty much counting on it. Sorta the only way it can work. [Unless he changes his deal. Unless he goes back even farther in his timeline and kills Jennifer Blake.]

But you stayed here after, right? I mean you got your first deal but you're still on the Barge. Or did you leave and come back?

I left twice. [A wry smile curls her lips.] The first time - I wanted to make sure it worked. I wanted to see Annie again. [She doesn't regret that.] It was about two years, until I came back.

[He considers her words for a moment, then nods.]

And it did work, right?

Yes, it did. [Not exactly the way she wanted - Annie was still hurt - but she supposes too much would have changed, otherwise. For the worse.]

And everyone I've talked to - the Admiral always seems to make good on his deals.

[Some of the tension eases from his shoulders. He's heard from others the same thing -- that the Admiral always comes through. But he needs the reminder on occasion. That all hope isn't lost.]

Yeah. That's good. [It's a reason to force himself to keep going.]

[Hope is a powerful thing, and one she's always tried her best to cling to.]

You can do this. [Soft, but insistent.] And you won't have to do it alone.

[It's one he struggles with. But that's when he turns to Scott or Lydia. But he doesn't want to drag them down either. He wants to stand on his own two feet instead of constantly leaning on people.

He lets out a breath at Jean's assurance and he nods.]

Thank you.

[Jean's smile is soft.] Any time.

Tell me about your dreams.

10. I can't get used to it/I'll never get used to it

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