voluntaryapnea | 21. Oh brother I can't, I can't get through

21. Oh brother I can't, I can't get through

[Video -- Private to Dean]

[Stiles looks tired, like he hasn't slept in awhile. He hasn't. If Dean's ever seen the inside of Scott's cabin, he might recognize it as being where his warden is currently. He's sitting on the bed right beside his unconscious best friend, in fact, even if the feed focuses mostly on his face and the wall behind him.]

Scott's in a coma. [He figures Dean may have heard the announcement from Abigail the night before, but he isn't sure, either.]

So if you need me for something I'm in his cabin. [Not that Dean will need him for anything. Dean pretty much never asks for anything from him. But still. He wants to make sure Dean knows in case something comes up.]

[Video -- Clementine]

[As soon as he's done talking to Dean, he starts the feed once more, this time with Scott's inmate. He draws in a breath, arching his eyebrows and lifts his hand in a wave.]

Hey. I'm sure you probably heard about Scott by now. Hopefully he's not gonna play Sleeping Beauty for long, but uh -- until he wakes up, if you need something. Or want to talk or anything. I'm staying with him. You can just come find me or...you know, call on this thing. I mean obviously there are other options if you don't want to talk to me or whatever, but just -- putting that out there.

[Spam -- Open]

Over the next few days, Stiles can mostly be found only in Scott's cabin. Even with the rest of the pack coming in and visiting, offering to stay for as long as necessary, even with Isaac occasionally living in the other room, Stiles has a difficult time leaving his best friend's side. He feels more anxious than usual, like the end of a fraying wire. For as long as he can actually remember, Scott McCall has been his solid ground. And sure, he's physically fine. He even looks peaceful. These things don't keep him from feeling Scott's forehead regularly to make sure he's not running a fever or anything. He isn't. But he's in a coma and no part of Stiles is okay with that. He knows it happens all the time. He hadn't liked it when it was Dean, either, but this is still worse. This is his brother. And his unresponsiveness makes Stiles feel like he's constantly on the edge of having a panic attack. The only way he could have felt anymore anxious about the scenario is if someone had insisted Scott be in the infirmary while he's out. Hospital settings make nothing better.

So like he had when his inmate was comatized, he spends a great deal of the time reading Harry Potter to Scott. Occasionally he works on his laptop, which he's brought to Scott's for the duration of the time. Making himself right at home here isn't an issue. The McCall house has been his second home since he was four.

But he leaves the door open just a bit in case someone wants to visit, because Scott is a friendly kind of guy who doesn't turn down company and so Stiles isn't going to turn down people who want to visit unless he thinks they're going to be a danger.

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[His quietness makes her want to fill the silence. But she doesn't want to fall into that trap. She knows it for what it is; the bishop always did it, once upon a time in another life.]

Here isn't where I'm supposed to be, [she says, fiercely and despite herself. She knows it can be worse. But in this it's not about worse or better. It's about what she should be doing, and what she isn't.]

Okay but what if it is?

[He arches his eyebrows a little.] What if you're supposed to be here even if you don't wanna be?

[He considers for a moment.]

For what it's worth, I'm glad you're here and not...dead.

[She wasn't expecting that. Wonders if he's lying. She didn't expect that she made much of a good first impression on him, the first time they met; she hadn't intended to. She approached him for Dean, not for herself. So this . . . she doesn't know what to make of this.]

[She never intends to be likable.]

But I am dead. I'm just dead here.

Anyway, it's not - I'm not supposed to be here. I have a purpose that I can't fulfill here.

[There's no point in killing when your victims just end up coming back to life.]

[He pauses at that, eyebrows furrowing a little. He knows that a lot of times Dean tends to think he's really still dead and not alive here, that all of this is some kind of trick, but he hadn't realized Clementine was struggling with the same issue.]

Maybe your purpose isn't what you think it is. Maybe it's, you know, to be here, and then go back and do things differently.

[To live.]

Differently how?

[She has her ideas of how she imagines he wants her to live differently, but she wants him to spell it out for her. To make perfectly clear how she could have changed her life, since he knows so much.]

[To tell the truth, she doesn't believe she could have made different decisions and survived as well as she did. She so strongly sought a purpose, she so desperately needed a guide, and when presented with one in the form of the Order, she absolutely couldn't say no.]

[At that, he shrugs a little. He knows that's one he can't answer. Not honestly.]

I don't know. I mean, I don't really know you that well.

[He chews his lip, looking deep in thought.]

But there has to be something, right? I mean, everyone has something they'd change, do differently if they could. Just one small change would impact everything. Like the Butterfly Effect.

Mm.

[Agreement, for once; though she still doesn't trust him.]

And what would you change? For your Butterfly Effect. Or do wardens not have to make that kind of choice?

[It's a mutual distrust, really. He doesn't know her. They haven't interacted that much. And Stiles doesn't dole out trust easily to begin with.]

We do. It's...sorta why most of us are here, I think.

[He's quiet for a moment.]

My original deal was -- to save a lot of people who shouldn't have died. [The way he'd planned to do it though -- that was something he still has to change. He just hasn't yet.] That's still the plan, it's just the way that's going to be different.

[She thinks about this for a moment. Change . . . this place is so invested in change, as if nothing has ever been all right when it just stayed the same. As if growth and change are necessarily good things. She doesn't believe this. She believes everything was just fine the way it was. Except for the being-dead part.]

Who shouldn't have died?

[She wonders if he trusts her enough to tell her.]

[Stiles would agree that not all change is good. In fact, some change is very, very bad. He still struggles with change when it happens, but it doesn't stop it from happening. You can either adjust to the changes and keep going or stay in denial about what's happening and get left behind. And Stiles doesn't want to be left behind.

He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. It isn't really a secret here. Quite a few people already know, including Dean. It's just something that overall, has been kept quiet.]

Allison. [His voice is quiet.] A guy named Aiden back home that was dating Lydia. [He looks down for a moment.] A lot of people that worked with my dad, and with Scott's mom. Kids from my class.

[Her eyebrows raise.]

That's a whole lot of people.

[Who does he think he is, some kind of superhero? But she will admit to some kind of grudging respect growing in her. She likes people who go big or go home.]

And a lot of deals with the devil, isn't it?

[He'll leave the whole superhero thing to Scott and Allison and Kira and Lydia. And to half the people on the Barge. He just wants to set things right.]

For awhile, I was the devil.

[There's no hint of kidding in his voice.]

[Again with the raising of her eyebrows.]

How much of a rhetorical smart-ass are you being right now?

[She suspects it's a lot. But you never know, with this place. Anyone can be evil. Anyone might need to be eliminated.]

I'm not.

[And he really isn't being a smart ass right now. At all. His expression is grim, voice quiet.]

Back home I was possessed for awhile. By something called a Nogitsune.

[For once he manages to say the word without his voice wavering. He's gotten stronger. He's not fully healed from it, and part of him doesn't think he ever really will be, but he's made progress. Pieces at a time.]

Right before I came here. It's the reason all of those people are dead. So I have to fix it because I owe it to them. Because it shouldn't have happened.

That's not the same as the Devil.

[But she's really arguing just for the sake of argument. The way she's looking at Stiles implies careful consideration, for once. She no longer feels as though underestimating him is a viable option.]

Did you kill it? You better have killed it.

[Stiles would argue that it's because she hadn't seen it. Hadn't experienced it.]

I didn't. Scott did. After he got it out of my head.

[He looks down at Scott, forcing himself to take a deep breath and let it out slowly. He'll wake up.]

[This seems to displease her; she turns half away, her lip curling. Scott the alpha. Scott the hero. Scott the impossible. She remembers what Dean said about kids, about teenagers especially, how they think they can't die. How they think they can't be hurt. Until they are, and then they never recover from it.]

[Then they become like her.]

[She doesn't understand it, this process. It's like she's supposed to go backwards in time. Foolish in principle, but even if it would work - she was never like Scott. She never had hope. She was never happy, or heroic. Not even as a marine. She did what she had to do, and she followed orders.]

[When she looks back at Stiles, it's with a hard expression.]

You love him.

[But her voice is cold, not like how people should talk when they talk about love. It sounds like she's accusing him of a flaw.]

[Love will be used against you in the end.]

[Stiles doesn't think he's immortal. He doesn't think any of them are. He knows better. They had a lot of near misses with the werewolf stuff. With Peter. With the kanima. They hadn't all gotten out of the situation with the alpha pack and the darach unscathed. Erica and Boyd had both died horrible deaths. So had Heather. A lot of people whom he didn't even know.

Then of course, there was the Nogitsune.

No. Stiles is all too aware of how bad things can get, and all too conscious of how vulnerable they all are to getting hurt and worse. He'll eventually get his deal and right a lot of wrongs with it, but it won't mean they'll be safe from the next thing they come up against. Or the thing after that. They're never safe. Not really.

He notes her cold tone at her statement, but he isn't really bothered by it. Loving Scott isn't a flaw. It never has been. Scott is his rock. When he responds, his tone is matter-of-fact.]

He's my brother.

Edited 2015-02-20 01:17 (UTC)

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21. Oh brother I can't, I can't get through

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