[But Dean is made of sterner stuff than that, especially these days. John relied on him to keep the family together and that's what he did. Felix reminded him that when he shuts up and stops doubting himself, he's worthy of trust. He's good. Them and others were never easy on him, and even if it might have been kinder, in the end he is who he is because of it.
He is strong, and he does not regret asking. He wouldn't accept an apology for being told. A muscle in his jaw jumps, because if he does have a weakness besides Sam, it's his own self-awareness - but this is for Sam. For that other Sam. (He hates himself for knowing that he let it get this far, he'd yell at himself until he ran out of voice if he got the chance, but he does know this: if Stiles can give him even a hope of an advantage, Dean will do whatever it takes to get Sam back.
Which is, he realizes, part of the problem. He checks again for Sam, lowers his voice, returns his attention to Stiles. This is the part he really doesn't want his brother knowing.]
My second deal, the one Bruce gave me? Was the one I made to stop all this, I think. I didn't know what I was stopping, I just knew I didn't want any part of it, and I didn't want my brother anywhere near it. I knew it fucked us up, and wasn't great for anyone around us, either.
But that doesn't help much. I don't... [He pauses, chewing his lip, wracking his brain for anything remotely useful. It's hard. Harder than just not being the same, to try to find something that might hold true through anything if it's not Sam.]
Okay. Two things. Don't laugh if I sound like an idiot.
First - if you do end up needing to push, don't try to go toe to toe with me. Him. Not that I think you would, but it won't get you anywhere. You are not a bigger, harder asshole than John Winchester, and that means no one's been able to force me to respect 'em since then, and that's just me. I just get more stubborn, or if someone gets in my face, I start swinging if I'm riled enough. God only knows what he'll do.
Second, Sammy's your trump card. You want a reaction, that'll do it, but be careful: it might not be the one you want. Especially not... christ.
Private
He is strong, and he does not regret asking. He wouldn't accept an apology for being told. A muscle in his jaw jumps, because if he does have a weakness besides Sam, it's his own self-awareness - but this is for Sam. For that other Sam. (He hates himself for knowing that he let it get this far, he'd yell at himself until he ran out of voice if he got the chance, but he does know this: if Stiles can give him even a hope of an advantage, Dean will do whatever it takes to get Sam back.
Which is, he realizes, part of the problem. He checks again for Sam, lowers his voice, returns his attention to Stiles. This is the part he really doesn't want his brother knowing.]
My second deal, the one Bruce gave me? Was the one I made to stop all this, I think. I didn't know what I was stopping, I just knew I didn't want any part of it, and I didn't want my brother anywhere near it. I knew it fucked us up, and wasn't great for anyone around us, either.
But that doesn't help much. I don't... [He pauses, chewing his lip, wracking his brain for anything remotely useful. It's hard. Harder than just not being the same, to try to find something that might hold true through anything if it's not Sam.]
Okay. Two things. Don't laugh if I sound like an idiot.
First - if you do end up needing to push, don't try to go toe to toe with me. Him. Not that I think you would, but it won't get you anywhere. You are not a bigger, harder asshole than John Winchester, and that means no one's been able to force me to respect 'em since then, and that's just me. I just get more stubborn, or if someone gets in my face, I start swinging if I'm riled enough. God only knows what he'll do.
Second, Sammy's your trump card. You want a reaction, that'll do it, but be careful: it might not be the one you want. Especially not... christ.