voluntaryapnea: (vulnerable stare)
Stiles Stilinski ([personal profile] voluntaryapnea) wrote2014-08-16 10:28 pm

11. Sometimes all our thoughts are misgiven/Ooh it makes me wonder

[He's still kind of reeling from the fact that he's been assigned to be Dean's warden. The file arrived at his door hours ago, and Stiles, who isn't by any means known for his ability to sit still for long, has been staring at it ever since. He hasn't touched it other than to lay it on his desk. He's chewed all of his nails down to the quick but he doesn't even realize it.

This isn't what he was expecting. He wonders if the Admiral has any idea what he's doing. It isn't the first time he's wondered that since his arrival almost six months ago. He draws in a breath and lets it out slowly, not taking his eyes off the file as he leans over and rests his elbows on his knees. He wonders why he was picked to be Dean's warden. Of all the people on the ship -- who are older, more qualified, many of whom had done the warden-ing thing already -- he can't help but second guess this decision.

He closes his eyes for a moment, then picks up his comm device, hesitating for a second. God he wishes his dad was there right then to give him some advice. But Stiles has always tried to follow his instincts, and that's what he does now.]

[Private to Babs]

So that security thing you were talking about awhile ago? I think I'm gonna need that.

[Private to Dean]

surfaceshine: (Gimme the Pie)

[ Private : Voice ]

[personal profile] surfaceshine 2014-08-17 04:32 am (UTC)(link)
[Dean hasn't been waiting for this day since he arrived. He wasn't even convinced it would ever happen, that he'd be here long enough, that anyone was telling the truth about it, not really. He hadn't bothered to worry about it, not even when Anya warned him about the files. Having his life read by strangers isn't new to him. Having people know secrets they can't possibly know isn't new.

It's just been a long damn time, and besides. This setup is ridiculous. Wardens? Inmates? Files of wrongdoings? Dean's never heard of anything like it, which means it's either complete horseshit, or...

Or it's real.

What he does know is that this may not be the first time someone's peeked into his life, but he's not any more willing to put up with it this time. Doesn't mean he wants anyone here knowing any of it. Doesn't mean he's playing the game. So he waits to see what the kid will do and, when it's a fairly neutral, fairly casual, extremely short message?

He answers in kind. Sober, but definitive:

surfaceshine: (If Not That's Okay)

[ Private : Voice ]

[personal profile] surfaceshine 2014-08-17 05:23 pm (UTC)(link)
[Dean waits while Stiles hesitates, expectant and dismissive in the way of someone accustomed to leading absolutely. He'd liked the kid well enough, for whatever that was worth; he's learned it isn't much in the long run, and all it would have eventually meant us Dean would have tried to make his death quick if it came to that.

But it's come to this, and now Dean knows this kid with the nightmares and the ADD has a file with everything he's ever done in it, and all he had to do was open the folder. The hunter doesn't know for sure what all is in there, of course, or generally speaking if this is all some elaborate trick or hoop, but he knows by now to expect the worst. That's all his luck is good for anyway.

I'll tell you like I told Kennedy: I'll make this real easy on you. Stay outta my face, I'll stay outta yours until one of us gets the boot. We're not friends. I don't need to sit there and drink with you while you tell me what a horrible fuckup I am, and all the shit I did wrong.

We can handle that just like this, if you're hellbent on it, but you should go in knowing I'm not interested.
surfaceshine: (Leader Without a Cause)

[ Private : Voice ]

[personal profile] surfaceshine 2014-08-17 05:54 pm (UTC)(link)
[Dean, for his part, is more or less calm. He certainly sounds it, anyway, not bothering to rile himself up with his little mini speech. He listens to Stiles, and has absolutely no interest in believing him or trusting him. However, the sheer naivete in his new warden's reply makes something glaringly obvious - or, really, opens up two possibilities, but only one fits the scenario Dean is operating under suspicion of.

His voice is flat, and not a little wary. He didn't tell Archie anything, and he doesn't trust anyone - not just on the Barge, but anywhere. Not anymore. He can't, and Stiles should know why, but he doesn't.

You haven't read the file.
surfaceshine: (Dubious Dean Disbelieves You)

[ Private : Voice ]

[personal profile] surfaceshine 2014-08-17 06:40 pm (UTC)(link)
[This more than anything makes Dean immediately and openly suspicious.]

surfaceshine: (Will They Love You the Same)

[ Private : Voice ]

[personal profile] surfaceshine 2014-08-17 07:17 pm (UTC)(link)
[He's right, of course; Dean can't disagree with that answer, but it's also pretty standard decency. Not that the hunter has had much experience with standard decency in quite some time, either receiving or giving, but there was a time he tried. There was a time he would have considered himself a decent guy.

If he's warmed up any with the honesty, though, it shows not at all.

Let's start with what it is you think would ever earn you the right to know half the shit I've been told is in those files?
surfaceshine: (Bite Me)

[ Private : Voice ]

[personal profile] surfaceshine 2014-08-17 08:01 pm (UTC)(link)

[His tone, of course, suggests the answer is anything but, though this is not specific to Stiles' plan or lack thereof. Dean is not someone willing to be charmed anymore.

Then of course there's the other thing, because Dean might have let the externally passive act slide when they were two sleepless people living on the same ship, but now Stiles has leverage over him. Power. Now, whether Stiles ever chooses to use it or not, Dean is at his mercy.

He'd make it hard on him if he tried to use that power, of course, and there are those who have said they won't stand by and watch it happen; historically, however, Dean hasn't had much luck with either of these things, so he's not relying on that.

And how long am I supposed to believe this little experiment is going to last before you get sick of waiting for your deal, or I piss you off, or you need something to hold over my head to get me to behave? That file's gonna be pretty damn tempting to a kid in your position.
surfaceshine: (At the End of the World)

[ Private : Voice ]

[personal profile] surfaceshine 2014-08-17 09:03 pm (UTC)(link)
Saints don't exist.

[Dean snaps this, because for a moment, for one white hot, painfully sharp moment, he hates Stiles. He hates that there are people here working towards the same goals as he is, that he gets to have his friends, that there's someone else to share his load; Dean barely even remembers what that's like, barely remembers a time when he didn't have the fate of every human left alive crushing down on his shoulders, but he feels the absence of it every day. It is the one thing he's never found a way to cope with, and for that moment, he begrudges every single soul that has never had to try.

He never wanted this, either. He just wanted to be Dean Winchester, whoever the hell that was, and now they'll never know. Now he's the Righteous Man, Michael's Sword, and he wasn't strong enough for either. Dean snorts, shakes his head, and makes a decision.

I'm not interested in playing guessing games. Of any kind. Read the file.

When you're done, if you haven't asked to be re-paired or the douchebag running the show hasn't allowed it, tell me where we're meeting.

[It would be different, he thinks, if there were only one copy of the file, if he could get hold of it or just kill Stiles and be able to bury it definitively. But there isn't, and so the only way he can see to take that particular leverage off the table is to stop caring about it. Does it really matter, anyway? Is there anything at all he's done in his life that it matters if anyone else knows about? Sure, he doesn't want to talk about it, but is Stiles knowing going to change that Dean made a deal for his brother that damned the world? Is it going to change that the apocalypse is his fault? Is it going to take away the blood on his hands, innocent or trusting or otherwise?

Is no one knowing about it going to make Dean a better, stronger, more worthy person? No. And maybe it'll get one person, at least, to leave him the hell alone.

I don't care. [He hangs up, hopefully before Stiles can recognize the unexpected quaver of fear in his voice for what it is.]
Edited (typooosss) 2014-08-17 21:23 (UTC)
surfaceshine: (There'll Be Peace)

[ Private : Voice ]

[personal profile] surfaceshine 2014-08-19 11:47 pm (UTC)(link)
[In his cabin, Dean has already started. He's lower than he'd like for this kind of thing, but it's not like he's ever been given his preference in anything before, not like he's surprised he doesn't get to start now. He'll make do. He always makes do. He's been done with his current stockpile of whiskey for an hour, trying to decide between waiting it out, finding something else to do, or asking Iris for more.

He doesn't let himself think about Stiles and what's in the file, but he's running out of options for distracting himself from it; every time his attention turns that way, his throat feels tight and his heartbeat speeds up a little. It's exhilaration - finally, someone else will know it all, if it's all there, finally someone else might understand - and terror - someone else will know, he doesn't think there's anyone left that knows all of it, doesn't know if he'll survive it. He considers, again, finding Stiles' cabin and shooting him, taking it, but it's not a permanent solution and that stays him.

It's not something he even wants to do, not when he stops to look at it. He doesn't want any of it.

He swallows when his communicator beeps, but he doesn't hesitate. It's obvious he's already started, but his voice is characteristically harsh, blunt and impatient. He can't say no, this time, because now he definitely needs that drink.

surfaceshine: (Leader Without a Cause)

[ Private : Voice ~~~> Spam ]

[personal profile] surfaceshine 2014-08-20 03:10 am (UTC)(link)
Be there in five.

[Dean isn't entirely sure he wants to do this in public, and he's pretty sure it means he's going to have to be on his best behavior so he doesn't get banned from the pub in the future, but fuck it. Just. Fuck all of it. It's outside of his control anyway, he might as well get some goddamn alcohol out of the deal.

He's slept in the past couple days, at least, and he's not too far gone when he shows up at the pub; as good as sober, really, if anyone were to ask him, which they won't. He left his heavy jacket and his weapons behind, though the empty thigh holster is still there because it makes him feel a little better.

He doesn't try to talk. He meant every word he said. Unfortunately, that includes wanting the drink.

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bodilesswarrior: (Default)


[personal profile] bodilesswarrior 2014-08-18 06:41 pm (UTC)(link)
Of course. [She doesn't need to know why, to give him that.] What do you need, exactly?
bodilesswarrior: (Thinking)


[personal profile] bodilesswarrior 2014-08-18 09:39 pm (UTC)(link)
Sure. Are we talking hard copies or digital?
bodilesswarrior: (Default)


[personal profile] bodilesswarrior 2014-08-18 09:51 pm (UTC)(link)
I can do both.

Your room, too - but it'd help if I knew exactly what you were defending against.
bodilesswarrior: (Wry Smile)


[personal profile] bodilesswarrior 2014-08-18 10:02 pm (UTC)(link)
You're not so bad yourself. [And she means it. By all accounts, Stiles is a good kid, and she's happy to help him out.]

You want it all automated?